A Nice Cup of Tea & a Sit Down

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Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example:

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paper clip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family has planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when the said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away; you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on; that happens in real life too!).

41. It doesn’t matter what Interstate you travel, you’re the only one on it.

42. The Highway Patrol officer who stops a car on a deserted road outside of town always gets killed.

43. With the exception of people living in trailers, everyone has the same door bell.

44.  No matter how many messages you have on your answering machine, you listen only to the first one.

45.  During a thunderstorm the lights will flicker but ultimately stay on, whereas the phone always goes out.

46. No matter what you doing, you never hear anyone come in the front door, nor do you hear anyone coming up the stairs.

47. Sex is always over very quickly and you never need to take your trousers off.

48. At home, everyone argues while eating dinner.

49. The basement is always dry.

50. Everyone has an abundance of flammable liquid and old rags on hand.

51. It doesn’t matter what minor road accident you may have; your car will always fly up into the air, turn over, and then crash to the ground.   Once you get out of the vehicle it will burst into flames and explode.   You will maybe have a bruise or two from the accident itself, but you will never be injured in the explosion, no matter how near to the car you are.

52. The fire department turn up only after the building has burnt down.

53. The train never stops after an accident on a level crossing.

54. The Greyhound bus always drops off passengers at deserted crossroads.

55. You never need a telephone directory, as you have every telephone number in the country memorized.

56. In hospitals, the lab always gets blamed for the physician’s lack of knowledge.

57.  TV remotes always click when you press any of the buttons.

58. You always manage to guess the password to a government computer system on the second attempt.

59. Rubbing together the two wires that are always hanging out of the bottom of the steering column always starts the car, releases the steering lock and deactivates the alarm.   If you are ever stopped whilst driving a car stolen this way, the police officer never asks you where the car keys are.

60. In westerns, if you are going on a three day ride to visit someplace, you never take any food for the horse.

61. The bar is always about to close when you get there.

62. Lawyers never leave their offices until 11pm.

63. Computers always make a noise when data loads to the screen.

64. In fine dining restaurants, as soon as the desert is served, the girl always starts an argument and then storms out of the restaurant; leaving the guy to pick up the tab and wondering what the hell he did wrong.

65. Teenagers’ bedrooms always have an easy and safe route to and from the ground by way of the bedroom window.

66. If you have a pool in your back yard, sooner or later you are going to find a dead body floating in it.

67. Parents get called in to see the principal at least twice a week.

68. Cars are only ever filled up at attended gas stations.

69. In motels, there are always strange banging noises coming from the room next door.

70. If you ever fall into a river, ocean, pool, etc., fully clothed; climbing out and rubbing your head with a towel will instantly dry your clothes.

71. When you are going on vacation, there is no limit to the amount of clothing and accessories you can fit into a small weekend case.

72. The elevator is always on your floor unless you are being chased by an assassin; in which case you always waste valuable time by frantically pressing the elevator call button before deciding to use the stairs.

73. Cabs will never stop for you if you yell “Taxi!” but they will always stop for you if you whistle.

74. Hotels never swipe your credit card when you check in.

75. There are never any computers in classrooms.

76. People living in rural areas only ever eat cold meat and mashed potatoes for dinner.

76. It doesn’t matter how dusty the road is when you ride your horse and buggy to church on Sunday, your black suit always looks immaculate.

77. Someone always arrives late to church but only during the sermon.

78. The car with no hub caps or wheel trims will always end up being totaled in a crash of some sort.

79. At a funeral, there is always someone watching the burial service while hiding behind a tree.

80. In every cemetery at midnight, there is a teenage boy urinating on a grave.

81. You never put anything back into the fridge once you have taken it out.

82. Before slurping some juice out of the carton, you have to hold the fridge door open for a very long time and stare at the light bulb.

83. If you introduce yourself to new neighbors on the day that they move in, they will stalk you from that moment on.

84. There are no adolescent Jews.   Young male Jews are always lawyers or physicians.   All other Jews are old.

85. All black males have criminal tendencies and connections; unless, they are a high ranking military officer.   In which case, he will be the most honest man alive.

86. Nobody ever talks or passes the time of day with the mail carrier.

87. You always have a quarter for the phone, and, no matter how badly damaged the phone looks it always works.

88. At a payphone, you always run out of money before you have made your point.

89. Whenever you drink a 6-pack of beer, you always wake up the next morning surrounded by a lot more than six empty beer bottles.

90. There is always cold pizza in a box under the bed.

91. Your car always does an impression of a diesel engine just before it breaks down.

92. Fire fighters always have anger management issues when they are at home.

93. Laundry always comes out of the tumble drier already ironed.

94. The dry cleaners are always closed when you get there.

95. Nobody ever shops in Wal-Mart.

96. Your credit card is always declined.

97. Everyone finds a bag full of money at least once during their lifetime.

98. There are always three claps of thunder for every one flash of lightening.

99. Teenage boys never masturbate.

100. If you take your eyes off of your young children for just a second, they will set fire to the house.

101. When you tell the girl “Whatever you do, don’t open the door”; she will open the door.

102. People who eat a quart of ice-cream every night never gain weight.

103. A 16” pizza barely feeds two adults and a small child.

104. Nobody minds anyone going into their fridge and drinking all their beer.

105. It doesn’t matter how many people in a household take a shower in the morning, there is always plenty of hot water.

105. In the morning, you sit at the breakfast table and as soon as breakfast is served you leave without eating any.

106. The school bus always stops at the bottom of your drive, sounds the horn and then waits patiently while your kids spend another ten minutes arguing and getting ready.

107. You never have to queue at a fast-food drive-thru.   You drive in, place your order and by the time you have stopped at the next window, your meal is already bagged up and ready to go.

108. Neon signs always make an intermittent buzzing sound and are never fully lit.

109. A broken fan belt always takes 3 days to replace.

110. County sheriffs are always of retirement age.

111. When you are fleeing from Indians in a horse drawn wagon, the wheel always comes off.

112. Whenever you snap a twig, the snap always sounds as though you have just broken your femur.

113. People in New York only drink alcohol if they are sitting on a park bench and the bottle is wrapped in a brown paper bag.

114. Whenever elderly people travel by plane, the husband always dies.

115. During any nautical or aeronautical disaster, more time is spend on the radio yelling “Mayday” than is actually spent giving the known co-ordinates of the vessel/plane.

116. The radio always conks out after you have been yelling “Mayday” into it fifteen times in succession.

117. At sea; nobody ever sees distress flares.

118. You have to shock someone three times with the defibrillator before it works.

119. In the ER, that whole bunch of blood tests that the physician orders, always includes a stat test for syphilis.

120. The best worker on a cattle ranch is always a murderer on the run.

121. Everyone has really bad TV reception.

122. Go fishing by yourself or with your son, and you will have a great time.   Go fishing with a bunch of friends and everyone gets murdered.

123. Every revolver or automatic pistol can fire off at least 20 rounds before needing to be reloaded.

124. Every stagecoach with “Wells Fargo” written on it always gets robbed.

125. Murderers are always Catholic men who confess their sins just before they commit the next murder.

126. If you put a car in park and leave the engine running, the gear stick will shift to “drive” all by itself once you have got out of the car.

127. You always get fired on Christmas Eve.

128. The screen door always creaks.

129. Nobody leaves for work until the newspaper arrives and even then, only after they have read it in its entirety.

130. It doesn’t matter how severe your money problems are, getting a job waiting tables solves everything.

 

 

 

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Today, I went into town to do the monthly shop where I stock up on the items such a laundry detergent, etc., as it is so much cheaper in larger stores than the little local shops that we have nearby.

Today, my first port of call was Target.   I rather like Target; it just seems so much more civilized than Wal-Mart; and, I fancy that some of their items are of better quality.   The prices are comparable to Wal-Mart, but like everything, between the two, some things are cheaper and some are more expensive.   I would hazard a guess that if you took the same shopping list to both stores, your total cart would cost about the same, albeit the individual items may vary somewhat.

Anyway, I pulled into Target and got out of my car and started to go towards the entrance.   In front of me were a mixed couple who I would say was in their mid to late forties – not old by any means.   They seemed to be having an argument of some sort:

Wife:    “You parked too far away from the entrance.”

Husband:    “I parked as near as I possibly could; I really couldn’t park any closer.”

Wife:    “Well, it is still too far away, you should have parked closer.”

Husband:    “But there weren’t any spaces closer than that one we are in.”

Wife:    “You’ve always got an excuse for everything; you still parked too far away from the entrance.”

This conversation continued until the couple went inside; however, once inside, the woman’s mood didn’t improve any.   She had a very loud voice and as I was about to discover, her entire visit to Target would be very public indeed:

Wife:    “Look at that, there’s nobody here to help.   They should have someone here to hand a cart to me when I walk in, instead of me having to get it myself.”

Husband:    “Perhaps they are a little short staffed today; it is a public holiday after all.”

Wife:    “Short staffed?   They just don’t want to pay anyone to do the job; I am surprised that the place isn’t full of Mexicans.   They come here and take American jobs and don’t mind being paid peanuts to do it.”

Husband:    “Well, they don’t seem to have any Mexicans working here today.   The staff all appear to be very American to me.”

Wife:    “You just wait until next time we come; it’ll be full of Mexicans, you’ll see.”

At this point, I headed in the opposite direction to this couple; I wanted to put as much distance as I could between us.   However, her very loud voice meant that pretty much wherever you went in the store, you could hear her complaining about something:

Wife:    “Typical, you come all this way to get the shampoo that you want and then they don’t have it.”

Husband:    “We did come for more a little more than just shampoo; perhaps we could get something else that is similar?”

Wife:    “Similar!   I didn’t come all this way for similar; I came here to get what I wanted and they don’t have it.”

Husband:    “Well, if they don’t have it, we can’t really buy it.   I am sure that they will have it in stock again soon though.”

Wife:    “Well that’s no good to me; what am I supposed to wash my hair with while we are waiting for these people to get it back in stock?”

Husband:    “What about that shampoo that you used to use?   Perhaps we could get that.”

Wife:    “I suppose I am going to have to.”

At this point, the woman picks up a popular brand of shampoo and starts reading the back of the bottle.

Wife:    “I’m not buying this; you read the label and the English part about how to use it is down the bottom.   You’d think that as we are in America, the English part would be at the top; but no, it is down the bottom because at the top, they have the directions in Spanish for them Mexicans.”

Husband:    “It’s shampoo, you probably used it the same way you do any shampoo.”

Wife:    “I don’t care; I am not spending good money so that they can suck up to the Mexicans.”

In the end, the couple finished their shopping and headed to the checkout.   There were not many people in the store and so when they got there, there were two checkouts open.   Certainly, when I got to the checkout, I was next behind the person currently being checked out.

Wife:   “Oh my God; they’ve only got two check-outs open; now we’ll have to queue.   They should have at least four open; but of course, I suppose they don’t want to pay anyone and so I have to be inconvenienced.”

Husband:    “I am sure that by the time we have put our stuff on the conveyor it’ll be our turn.”

Wife:    “God, you make me sick; when are you going to start living in the real world.   Once we’ve put our stuff on the conveyor we’ll still be queuing and all because they don’t want to pay more than two people to check everybody out.”

As the husband had suggested, once their goods were on the conveyor belt, they got checked out without further ado.   However, that is not the end of it.   Having been wished a nice day but the very nice lady on the checkout there was more complaining:

Wife:    “It used to be that someone would take your stuff out to the car for you; I guess those days are over?”

Husband:    “Well, we have pushed the cart this far, I am sure that another few feet won’t hurt us.”

Wife:    “That’s it, you just roll over and play dead; I’ve known 2-year-olds with more backbone that you.   Now we’ll have to push this thing all the way to the car, and of course, like I said, you parked too far from the entrance.   Just look how far we have to go; and look, there are all these empty parking spaces right by the door – I told you that you should have parked closer…..”

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All through the year, people make crude attempts at humor by poking fun at people they perceive to be at a lower level of the evolutionary scale than themselves.   For the most part, their peers will laugh and try to come up with an even more spiteful attempt at humor at someone else's expense.   The truth is though, that poking fun at people who are less fortunate than ourselves is not at all funny; it is mean, it is spiteful, and it is terribly unkind.

There are people who have made a successful and lucrative career out of being mean in this way, especially singling out a group of people referred to as "Rednecks".   Rednecks are portrayed as people who are bereft fiscally, morally, and educationally.    It may well be that this group of people did not have the same opportunities as others, especially if they are living and working in the more rural and impoverished areas of this country.   However, despite the jokes and digs from others, rednecks tend to make the best of what they have, even if it does seem unorthodox to those who are not in their position.

Rednecks are not the only people singled out as the butt of crude humor, mean spirited comments, and discrimination (both subtle and overt).   In every city, town, and village, there will be a family or group of people that will be perceived to be different from everyone else.   Whatever that difference is; be it race, color, creed, religion, disability, sex, sexual orientation, age, education, illness, social customs, etc.; it does not legitimize everyone else treating them in ways that are unfair or inferior to the way that they treat themselves.

Whatever our talents and whatever our social standing; there is not one of us who is better than anybody else.   This means that it doesn't matter whether you bought your garden wind-chime from Saks 5th Avenue, or you made a wind-chime by threading some empty beer cans onto a piece of string.   Either one does not make you a better or worse person than the other.

Similarly, there is not any one of us who is more deserving of positive or negative things than anyone else.   We are all human beings, and we all have the capacity to do right and wrong.   We all have the capacity to be kind or mean.   We all have the capacity to love or hate.   With this in mind, what really counts is what we choose to do.   Clearly at the moment, many people are choosing meanness, hate, and wrongdoing.   What a wonderful thing it would be if everyone chose love, kindness, and doing that which is right as their resolution for the upcoming new year of 2008.

At this Christmas time, I would ask each of you who are reading this to remember the words of Jesus Christ: "I give you a new commandment: love one another; as I have loved you, so you are to love one another."

We all of us, no matter what facade we choose to show to the world; have in our hearts kindness and humility; surely it is time to start showing that?

Wherever your life leads you this Christmas, may your God go with you, and may the spirit of the season bring you peace, love, harmony, and understanding.

 

 

 

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When I was growing up, it wasn’t unusual for children to babysit their siblings, especially on a Saturday night.   I first started babysitting when I was 8-years-old, and my sister at the time, was just 5-years-old. 

Before my parents left for an evening at the pub, they always drilled me on what to do in various situations.   The golden rule was never to answer the front door.   The second rule was that if the telephone rang, I was to tell any caller, even a person known to me, that mummy was out and daddy was in the bath.   I could take a message but nothing more.   Rule number three was, no using the chip pan.   Rule number four was, that if there was an emergency, I should ring the pub and ask to speak to my dad.   “What happens if the person who answers doesn’t know who you are?” I asked my father.   My father replied: “Everyone knows me, and anyone who doesn’t, wants to know me – you just ask for me and don’t worry about anything else.”   Of course, I looked forward to my weekly “chore” as I got to stay up until really late.   As an 8-year-old there is nothing better than boasting to your friends in school how you stay up until gone midnight every Saturday night.

As the years rolled on, I started to become an antsy teenager, and my mother took to drinking far more than was good for two people, let alone one.   At this time, things had progressed T.V. wise and there was actually something known as “The Midnight Movie” on television late on Saturday nights.   My parents invariably arrived home just about half-way through the movie and typically this is what happened:

Dad:       “What you watching then?”

Me:        “The midnight movie.”

Dad:       “I know that, I mean what’s the film called?”

Me:        “The Man Who Knew too Much”

Dad:       “The Man Who Knew too Much?”

Me:        “Yes.”

Dad:       “Funny title for a film isn’t it?”

Me:        “Not really?”

Dad:       “What do you mean, not really?”

Me:        “Not really!”

Dad:       “What are you talking about; how can a man know too much; most men don’t know enough.”

Mum:      “What, like you, you mean?”

Dad:       “I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to him.”

Me:        “Dad, I don’t know why they called it The Man Who Knew Too Much; they obviously thought it was a good title for a  film.”

Dad:       “What’ it about then?”

Me:        “Espionage and kidnapping.”

Dad:       “Well, there’s not a lot of that going on these days; they should put something on more modern.”

Mum:    “You should write a letter to the TV company; when they stop laughing they might just reply.”

Dad:       “I told you, I wasn’t talking to you!”

Dad:       “Why is that guy lying on the ground?”

Me:        “Because he is dead.”

Dad:       “Why’s he dead?”

Me:        “Because he got shot.”

Dad:       “Why’d he get shot?”

Me:        “Because he wouldn’t shut up while the film was on.”

Dad:       “You cocky little sod!  I don’t think you should be watching films like this especially as late as this.”

Mum:    “If he’s a cocky little sod, he must get it from you.”

Dad:       “Don’t start!”

Mum:    “If you were having another drink down the pub, you wouldn’t care what he was watching or how late it was.   In fact, you wouldn’t care if he was alive or dead!”

Dad:       “Don’t you say that, it’s not true!” (Door opens, in walks my sister)

Sister:   “I heard shouting and it woke me up.”

Mum:    “That’s it, now you’ve woken her up with your shouting.

Dad:       “My shouting; me?   You are the one shouting, not me.”

Mum:    “Lies, lies, lies; you just don’t know that you are shouting; I bet  you’ve woken the neighbours up by now.   I am expecting a policeman to come knocking at that door any minute.”

This would go on for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually, it all moved upstairs and eventually, things quieted down once my mother fell asleep.   By now of course, the film was over and I would sigh and think to myself that this was yet another film I never got to see the end of.   Just then, I’d hear the staircase creek.   The living room door would open just wide enough for my father to put his head through.   “What happened in the end?” he asked.   Of course I didn’t know and so I would always make something up – “His wife ripped him off,” I replied.   “I know just how he feels – if there was any justice in the world she would have been the one who got kidnapped,” my father returned.   “What would we do if mum got kidnapped?” I asked.   “We’d move”, he said without hesitation.  He then smiled, looked at me and said: “There’s a brown ale in my coat pocket; why don’t you have it – goodnight son.”

My father never told me that he loved me.   However, at times like this, I know that he did.

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My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this E-mail thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Jimmy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Suzy turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Suzy, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and discovered that it really is more fun! Fred, I mean, Mr. Johnson the department head, has, uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Fred, uh, Mr. Johnson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Jimmy, Suzy and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your little disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

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Today, American car makers Ford and General Motors announced that they have both incurred a drop in sales by around about 8%.   Toyota, the new number three car maker in the U.S., reported and increase in sales of almost 13%.   Ford and General Motors blame rising fuel costs and a poor housing market as the cause of their woes.   Toyota, operating in the same market, see sales rising however.   Everyone is asking: "How can this be?"

In order to redress the balance,  Ford is going to shed 38,000 jobs.   General Motors plans to cut 30,000 jobs; close several factories and sell off the majority stake it has in its successful GMAC financial arm.   Toyota meanwhile, plans to open six more factories within the next three years.   Why are the fortunes of these three car makers so very different?

The answer is that Ford and General Motors just don't get it.   They continue to churn out huge vehicles that cost almost as much as a house, and which nobody can afford to drive.   Filling up the average truck or other 4X4 costs around $100 these days.    Before George Bush came to power, filling up a truck or 4X4 cost on average $40.   Wages in the U.S. haven't risen in proportion to gas prices and there are people today, who unashamedly admit that they use money for mortgage and bills to subsidize their fuel costs; ultimately leading them into a downward spiral of debt.

Other car makers such as Toyota realized that change was in the air a long time ago, and set about producing more fuel efficient cars and, cars of a type which would appeal to the American market.   Ford and General Motors didn't do this, instead the continued to produce even more trucks and SUV's.   Today, we have a situation where Toyota and other foreign car makers have vehicles on the market that are smaller; lighter; more fun to drive; and, more fuel efficient.   These cars command a healthy price and the American public are prepared to pay for them.   Meanwhile, go into a Ford showroom and say that you don't want a truck or an SUV, and they pretty much point you in the direction of the ultimately boring Focus.   This model was fine when it was first introduced, but these days, it just looks like an old people's car.   Bizarrely, old people shun this model too.   Older people in the baby boomer generation are more likely to be found driving a PT Cruiser.   They may be old, but there is still that 60's young at heart in them; and so PT Cruisers, Matrix's, Vibes, etc., all find themselves with silver haired owners.   Such cars may have been initially designed for the youth market, but the car makers failed to put a youth market price on the vehicle, and so perversely, their perceived target audience cannot afford to buy the car specifically designed for them. 

Ford and GM, listen to me; it is time to stop making vehicles that nobody wants to buy.   It is time to pension off models that were popular 10-15 years ago.   Look at what people are clammering to buy these days.   People are looking to buy cars that are fun to drive; cars that are fuel efficient; cars that can carry a good bit of cargo; and, cars that embrace technology.   People want On-Star.   People want satellite radio built-in.   People want heated cup holders.   People want a chilled compartment.   People want GPS systems.   People want people want 115v built-in.   People want more than one 12v accessory plug (cigar lighter).   If the design of the car is such that they cannot see out of the back window to reverse safely, they want a rear view camera incorporated into the design.  People want child safety seats to be easy to fit.   People want a finish that does not scratch the very first time you drive through a car wash.   

Instead, you are offering me vehicles that do 12mpg and which can easily carry enough bricks to build half a house.   Yet all I want to do, is go to the post office and post a letter.    I don't need a huge monster truck to do that; neither do the majority of people.   We are tired of boring and expensive.   Give us vehicles that make sense to the average person.   If you do that, perhaps you wouldn't have to be cutting 38,000 jobs; perhaps you'd be in Toyota's position of creating new jobs.

 

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Today, many people will be starting the New Year nursing very sore heads.   There will be those who do not have sore heads and who will be gloating at the suffering of those who do.   Meanwhile, there will be others who will be regretting the fact that last night they announced to the world that they would be giving up something that they enjoy considerably, as a New Year's resolution.   It also follows that there will be those waiting for these people to fail, and who will take extreme delight at reminding these people for the rest of the year of their failings.

As each year passes, it occurs to me that the people of the world in general, seem to get more mean spirited, spiteful, and vindictive than they ever have before.   The year 2006 finally bowed out on the lowest of notes.   On perhaps the most sacred of religious festivals in the Muslim calendar, Eid; ousted President Hussein of Iraq, was hanged.  

I am old enough to remember a time when capital punishment was practiced in the United Kingdom.   In those days, hanging was a very private affair.   Apart from the condemned person, the only people present at an execution were the prison governor; a handful of warders; a clergyman; a physician; and, the hangman.   Afterwards, a note was pinned to the prison door, stating that the named person had been executed according to law, at whatever time the event took place.   

In the case of President Hussein, nothing could have been more public or vulgar.   We were given graphic accounts of how Mr. Hussein was kept from sleeping and how he was denied a last cigarette.   We saw video of him being led to the gallows and the noose being placed around his neck.   Newscasters smugly announced how Mr. Hussein, in his final moments, had been stripped of all dignity and gripped by fear.   Personally, I think he conducted himself with as much dignity as anyone could given the circumstances.   At this point, thankfully, the news video ended.   We were told that a few moments later the 69-year-old senior, was dead.   If this had not already epitomized society today, worse was to come.   It was not enough that Mr. Hussein had been executed in the most public of fashions.   The world was now clammering to see the execution in its entirety.

Unsurprisingly, armchair ghouls got what they wanted.   Someone at the execution with a cellphone had recorded the actual moment of the execution, and it can now be viewed on You Tube and various other Internet video sites.   Along with the disgusting spectacle came more details of how some of those present at the execution, laughed, clapped, cheered and danced as Mr. Hussein dangled, dead, at the end of a length of rope.   Psychologists have opined that this sort of thing is a natural reaction to a sudden death.   I feel that they might be mistaken.   I have never seen anyone dancing at the scene of a fatal road accident.   Nor have I seen it on the battlefield; in hospices; or anywhere else that death occurs.

As we enter 2007, it is evident that we live in a society where there is scant regard for the sanctity of human life.   We are living in an age where vulgarity; bad manners; and dishonesty are seen as positive traits, and which should be warmly embraced.  

It is time for us to reverse this trend.   It is time for a return to integrity.   It is time to believe in the ideal of equality and respect for all.   It is time to practice peace, harmony and understanding.

For those insistent upon making a New Year's resolution; forget dieting and giving up cigarettes, etc.; let's give up being the most wretched generation the world has ever known.

 

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Last week at work, and whilst eating lunch, my colleagues and I were discussing the moment each of us discovered that Father Christmas (or Santa Clause as he is more popularly known here) really didn't exist.   For me, Father Christmas ceased to exist on the 25th December 1959.   Unlike everyone else at the lunch table, the discovery had brought immense relief to me.

All the while that I was growing up, my parents convinced me that Father Christmas was a sort of Yuletide Robin Hood character.   According to them, during the night-time hours of Christmas Eve and Christmas day; Father Christmas traversed the globe.   His mission was to go into the houses of naughty children, take their Christmas presents and then redeliver them instead to children who had been very good during the course of the previous year.

Every Christmas Eve, I used to go to bed with the feeling of absolute dread.   I used to lie in bed fretting over the fact that at some point during the night, a villainous old man was going to break into my bedroom and unload all this hooky gear onto the end of my bed.  Thoughts of what if the police came and thought it was me who had stolen everything, flashed through my mind, along with all manner of other less than happy occurrences.   Usually however, I was sound asleep before the "burglary" occurred.   I remember that I used to wake up, look at the presents on the foot of my bed, and gave thanks to God that he had been and gone; and, that I was safe for yet another year.

Christmas Eve 1959 arrived.   Before going to bed, my parents insisted, as they always did, that I placed a mince pie and a small glass of sherry on the hearth for Father Christmas.   I remember thinking to myself that if Father Christmas had a glass of sherry at every house he visited, he would be well drunk by the time he got here.   It was then that a most terrible thought occurred to me; what if Father Christmas was so drunk when he got here, that he forgot that he was supposed to deliver gifts, and instead mistook me for a bad child and decided to take all the gifts away.   My parents had dressed me in pajamas that made me look like a Christmas present; what if he mistook me for a Christmas gift and took me away?   Worse, what if he decided to deliver me to some kids in India; how would I ever get home again?

I climbed into bed.   The thought struck me that if I took my pajamas off, at least I wouldn't look like a Christmas present and I might be spared an overnight trip to the Asian continent.   I lay there, naked, praying for sleep to come and rescue me from this awful predicament.   Sleep didn't come.   My stomach was churning; my heart was racing.   I prayed to God that I would fall asleep before this criminal slid down our chimney and came looking for me.   Time passed; still no sleep.   Then suddenly, my worst nightmare was realized.   I could hear someone turning the handle of my bedroom door.   He was here! 

The door opened, and I could hear someone breathing.   The breathing was getting closer and louder; it was him!   Father Christmas was at the end of my bed with all his stolen loot.   My heart started pounding.   I started to sweat profusely.   My breathing started to get more rapid and shallow.   I felt hot; I felt frightened.   I couldn't stand it any longer.   Suddenly, I sat bolt upright in bed, and screamed as loudly as I possibly could.   As I started to scream, I heard my dad scream.   The light went on, and for me, that was the end of the Father Christmas myth as I knew it.   By now, my father was muttering to my mother: "What the hell's the matter with him?   He nearly gave me a bloody heart attack; bleedin' kids…."   By now I was calming down.   How could my parents have been so cruel as to terrify the life out of me every Christmas Eve?   Maybe being relocated to India was not such a bad idea after all?

 

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Like most people, Curtis and I have, each year, discussed the issue of a Christmas tree.   Curtis is a true traditionalist and insists that a tree isn't a tree unless it is real.   I have to admit, that whilst I like a real tree, the idea of buying a pre-lit tree is very appealing.   You take it out of the box, plug it in and hey presto, instant Christmas.   However, when it comes to decor, taste and styling; Curtis's view is usually the one that prevails.   One day, I will take a picture of a building near us and post it here.   I love the way they painted it and would happily paint this house in the same scheme. It is then you will appreciate why it is a good thing that in this particular realm, Curtis's ideas prevail.

In previous years, we have done the traditional thing and have driven off to the Christmas tree farm to pick out our seasonal guest.   We usually forgo the delight of riding in the haywain out to the field with dozens of noisome children, preferring instead to pick one that has already been cut and which is pretty much good to go.   Now there are drawbacks to this; how a tree looks in a field surrounded by other trees often does not resemble one's mind's eye view of how it will look back in your house.    One year, we brought home a modest tree which ended up being far taller than the height of our room, and was so wide, that we had to move half of our furniture into storage just so as to accommodate it and still allow us passage to the bedroom.

Last year also saw a change in our vehicular arrangements.   For many years, we had a Jeep with a roof rack.   Suddenly we found ourselves with smaller leased vehicles, without a roof rack.   Obviously, this presented a dilemma at Christmas tree buying time.   As a fervent believer of the ideal that every problem can be solved over the Internet, I discovered that I could get a Christmas tree shipped from Maine to Missouri via UPS and, it worked out cheaper than going to the local Christmas tree farm.   It was a terrific arrangement and, the tree that was delivered was the perfect shape.

This year, around about October, I got a letter from the Maine Christmas tree people, offering to do the same as the year before, at the same price.   It was a no-brainer.   I sent confirmation of the repeat order.   By return, they told me that the tree would arrive on 4th December.   A couple of months later, and on the day promised, our cute, blond, UPS guy, heaved the box containing the tree to our front door.

Curtis was off work today and before I left for the day, said that he would get the tree out of the box, cut off the end, and stand it in water and let it rest a while before we begin decorating it.   When I got home this evening, the tree was out of the box, but still in the garage.   Seemingly, cutting the end off was proving to be a challenge.   It was almost as if our tree had titanium instead of bark.   Two saws later and the end was finally off of the tree. Curtis heaved it into our lounge and meanwhile, I set about lighting our wood burning stove (yes, it is still frigid in Missouri).   No sooner had I set light to the kindling, than Curtis was calling from next door.   Seemingly, I needed to hold the tree straight whilst he did all this blokey stuff of tightening up bolts that keep the tree in place and upright.   Finally everything was set and I let go of the tree.   Everything was fine, until we decided that we needed to move the tree to the spot that it was going to spend Christmas.   It fell to one side, and so we had to go through the whole performance of lining it up and tightening the bolts even further.   Finally, the bolts were in place and the tree seemed to be able to stay upright unaided.

I went into our back parlour to look at our much neglected wood burner.   Fear shook me to the very core.   The stove pipe was glowing red - believe me, this is not a good thing.   I rushed and shut the stove down and prayed that our roof/chimney/house wouldn't catch fire.   I ran outside to check the chimney and thankfully, there were no flames coming out of it (this has not always been the case; we have had a chimney fire before).   Eventually, calm returned and we got on with things as we normally do.

Later than evening, Curtis stated that the tree looked as though it was beginning to relax as its branches were beginning to droop a bit.   We both agreed that a journey from Maine to Missouri in the back of a UPS truck whilst all the while being confined to a box, must be quite stressfull.   We were not surprised therefore, that the tree needed to rest a little before being decorated.  

That all said, there are odd things that turn me on in this world; and suddenly, the very notion of our UPS guy putting me in a box and driving me half-way across the continent in the back of his truck suddenly became erotically appealing.   Bizarre or not, at that very moment, I was envying a Christmas tree.   Am I odd, or is plain old vanilla sex that good, that no one even contemplates their inner self? 

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