Archive for March, 2008
Movies -v- Real Life
Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example:
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paper clip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family has planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when the said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away; you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighborhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.
27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.
29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one (this is known as Stallone’s Law).
30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).
40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on; that happens in real life too!).
41. It doesn’t matter what Interstate you travel, you’re the only one on it.
42. The Highway Patrol officer who stops a car on a deserted road outside of town always gets killed.
43. With the exception of people living in trailers, everyone has the same door bell.
44. No matter how many messages you have on your answering machine, you listen only to the first one.
45. During a thunderstorm the lights will flicker but ultimately stay on, whereas the phone always goes out.
46. No matter what you doing, you never hear anyone come in the front door, nor do you hear anyone coming up the stairs.
47. Sex is always over very quickly and you never need to take your trousers off.
48. At home, everyone argues while eating dinner.
49. The basement is always dry.
50. Everyone has an abundance of flammable liquid and old rags on hand.
51. It doesn’t matter what minor road accident you may have; your car will always fly up into the air, turn over, and then crash to the ground. Once you get out of the vehicle it will burst into flames and explode. You will maybe have a bruise or two from the accident itself, but you will never be injured in the explosion, no matter how near to the car you are.
52. The fire department turn up only after the building has burnt down.
53. The train never stops after an accident on a level crossing.
54. The Greyhound bus always drops off passengers at deserted crossroads.
55. You never need a telephone directory, as you have every telephone number in the country memorized.
56. In hospitals, the lab always gets blamed for the physician’s lack of knowledge.
57. TV remotes always click when you press any of the buttons.
58. You always manage to guess the password to a government computer system on the second attempt.
59. Rubbing together the two wires that are always hanging out of the bottom of the steering column always starts the car, releases the steering lock and deactivates the alarm. If you are ever stopped whilst driving a car stolen this way, the police officer never asks you where the car keys are.
60. In westerns, if you are going on a three day ride to visit someplace, you never take any food for the horse.
61. The bar is always about to close when you get there.
62. Lawyers never leave their offices until 11pm.
63. Computers always make a noise when data loads to the screen.
64. In fine dining restaurants, as soon as the desert is served, the girl always starts an argument and then storms out of the restaurant; leaving the guy to pick up the tab and wondering what the hell he did wrong.
65. Teenagers’ bedrooms always have an easy and safe route to and from the ground by way of the bedroom window.
66. If you have a pool in your back yard, sooner or later you are going to find a dead body floating in it.
67. Parents get called in to see the principal at least twice a week.
68. Cars are only ever filled up at attended gas stations.
69. In motels, there are always strange banging noises coming from the room next door.
70. If you ever fall into a river, ocean, pool, etc., fully clothed; climbing out and rubbing your head with a towel will instantly dry your clothes.
71. When you are going on vacation, there is no limit to the amount of clothing and accessories you can fit into a small weekend case.
72. The elevator is always on your floor unless you are being chased by an assassin; in which case you always waste valuable time by frantically pressing the elevator call button before deciding to use the stairs.
73. Cabs will never stop for you if you yell “Taxi!” but they will always stop for you if you whistle.
74. Hotels never swipe your credit card when you check in.
75. There are never any computers in classrooms.
76. People living in rural areas only ever eat cold meat and mashed potatoes for dinner.
76. It doesn’t matter how dusty the road is when you ride your horse and buggy to church on Sunday, your black suit always looks immaculate.
77. Someone always arrives late to church but only during the sermon.
78. The car with no hub caps or wheel trims will always end up being totaled in a crash of some sort.
79. At a funeral, there is always someone watching the burial service while hiding behind a tree.
80. In every cemetery at midnight, there is a teenage boy urinating on a grave.
81. You never put anything back into the fridge once you have taken it out.
82. Before slurping some juice out of the carton, you have to hold the fridge door open for a very long time and stare at the light bulb.
83. If you introduce yourself to new neighbors on the day that they move in, they will stalk you from that moment on.
84. There are no adolescent Jews. Young male Jews are always lawyers or physicians. All other Jews are old.
85. All black males have criminal tendencies and connections; unless, they are a high ranking military officer. In which case, he will be the most honest man alive.
86. Nobody ever talks or passes the time of day with the mail carrier.
87. You always have a quarter for the phone, and, no matter how badly damaged the phone looks it always works.
88. At a payphone, you always run out of money before you have made your point.
89. Whenever you drink a 6-pack of beer, you always wake up the next morning surrounded by a lot more than six empty beer bottles.
90. There is always cold pizza in a box under the bed.
91. Your car always does an impression of a diesel engine just before it breaks down.
92. Fire fighters always have anger management issues when they are at home.
93. Laundry always comes out of the tumble drier already ironed.
94. The dry cleaners are always closed when you get there.
95. Nobody ever shops in Wal-Mart.
96. Your credit card is always declined.
97. Everyone finds a bag full of money at least once during their lifetime.
98. There are always three claps of thunder for every one flash of lightening.
99. Teenage boys never masturbate.
100. If you take your eyes off of your young children for just a second, they will set fire to the house.
101. When you tell the girl “Whatever you do, don’t open the door”; she will open the door.
102. People who eat a quart of ice-cream every night never gain weight.
103. A 16” pizza barely feeds two adults and a small child.
104. Nobody minds anyone going into their fridge and drinking all their beer.
105. It doesn’t matter how many people in a household take a shower in the morning, there is always plenty of hot water.
105. In the morning, you sit at the breakfast table and as soon as breakfast is served you leave without eating any.
106. The school bus always stops at the bottom of your drive, sounds the horn and then waits patiently while your kids spend another ten minutes arguing and getting ready.
107. You never have to queue at a fast-food drive-thru. You drive in, place your order and by the time you have stopped at the next window, your meal is already bagged up and ready to go.
108. Neon signs always make an intermittent buzzing sound and are never fully lit.
109. A broken fan belt always takes 3 days to replace.
110. County sheriffs are always of retirement age.
111. When you are fleeing from Indians in a horse drawn wagon, the wheel always comes off.
112. Whenever you snap a twig, the snap always sounds as though you have just broken your femur.
113. People in New York only drink alcohol if they are sitting on a park bench and the bottle is wrapped in a brown paper bag.
114. Whenever elderly people travel by plane, the husband always dies.
115. During any nautical or aeronautical disaster, more time is spend on the radio yelling “Mayday” than is actually spent giving the known co-ordinates of the vessel/plane.
116. The radio always conks out after you have been yelling “Mayday” into it fifteen times in succession.
117. At sea; nobody ever sees distress flares.
118. You have to shock someone three times with the defibrillator before it works.
119. In the ER, that whole bunch of blood tests that the physician orders, always includes a stat test for syphilis.
120. The best worker on a cattle ranch is always a murderer on the run.
121. Everyone has really bad TV reception.
122. Go fishing by yourself or with your son, and you will have a great time. Go fishing with a bunch of friends and everyone gets murdered.
123. Every revolver or automatic pistol can fire off at least 20 rounds before needing to be reloaded.
124. Every stagecoach with “Wells Fargo” written on it always gets robbed.
125. Murderers are always Catholic men who confess their sins just before they commit the next murder.
126. If you put a car in park and leave the engine running, the gear stick will shift to “drive” all by itself once you have got out of the car.
127. You always get fired on Christmas Eve.
128. The screen door always creaks.
129. Nobody leaves for work until the newspaper arrives and even then, only after they have read it in its entirety.
130. It doesn’t matter how severe your money problems are, getting a job waiting tables solves everything.
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